Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize