After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
