The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
