he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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