He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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