So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
