That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
