I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
