Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
