apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
