my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
