I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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