I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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