I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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