my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND