Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We're too hungover to prance.