Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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