you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"