i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"