Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense