Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.