Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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