she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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