I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
