How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
