Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.