i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?