oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
