On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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