apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
