I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
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Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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