remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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