theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
