I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
