I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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