Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
