Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
