I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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