Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
