hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
