Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
