3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
