He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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