I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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