I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
