I'm really into asian looking animals
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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