dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
