when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
is wine microwaveable?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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