I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
