M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
