Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
