dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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