I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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