I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
