You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
