You tried to poop in the sink last night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
