woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
