So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
