my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
