Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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