Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
