for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
