I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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