The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
