i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
